BETA DAY: What a Rollercoaster

March 8, 2021

1:30 am

I started having major cramping, and I don’t know how to feel. I was beginning to feel optimistic, but this doesn’t feel good. The cramps are pretty strong! I am so nervous for my Beta test later. I just really want this transfer to have worked. I am back to feeling scared and in a weird place between cautiously optimistic and realistic. I have to keep looking at the progression lines on my pregnancy tests to give me some kind of reassurance. Overall, I think I am feeling good about it. I have every type of symptom thanks to all of the progesterone I’ve been taking, so there is no way to tell if I am pregnant or if my period is coming. It’s such a mind f**k! But my intuition is that I am pregnant. I really think the pinches, pulls, and tugs I was having around 5 and 6 days past transfer were implantation. Not to mention those pregnancy tests. I pray my gut feeling is right!

11:30am

So much for feeling optimistic! I am so stressed out and not feeling hopeful at all anymore. My cramps were horrible last night, and when I went to the bathroom this morning, I had some pink spotting when I wiped. It only happened the one time and hasn’t happened since, but for it to be happening on the day my period would generally be scheduled seems like a bad sign. I am so upset! I definitely cried, and now I absolutely don’t want to go to my appointment. I am so discouraged. I don’t know what to really think. All I know is that this entire process is stressful and draining.

5pm

What a f***king day. I took a urine test, and my Doctor said the line was too faint to be considered a success. She said that my HCG is too low, and we started planning for my next transfer. It took all of my energy to get through the appointment and not cry until I got to the car. I was left feeling so confused. My tests were getting darker up until last night. How could it possibly be so low and faint this afternoon?

My intuitions weren’t wrong, though. This seems like a chemical pregnancy. So, basically, this is an early miscarriage. I can try and take some kind of solace that our little embryo implanted, but why wasn’t didn’t it make it? Why wasn’t it able to develop properly. Even though this loss was earlier, it feels reminiscent of my missed miscarriage in November. Now I’m left wondering if there is something wrong with our embryos that will continue to cause them to stop developing properly? We have no issues with implantation. We bypassed the problem of my husband’s weak sperm. So, why did these last two pregnancies fail?

I will get the results of my blood test tomorrow morning. I am extremely curious as to what my beta numbers are and if there is any hope.

I’m hurting.